23/30 - When one has not had a good father, one must create one.

It's weird that I won't talk about him lately,
I wonder what else is that way now,

Have I closed myself up too much?
Or am I just not telling everyone everything all at once?

If you asked me outright,
About him,
And I was feeling particularly honest,
I'd say I never really had a father,
Not in the classical sense,
I fear my story is all too modern,

I have a father,
I am lucky enough to know him,
But I am also unlucky enough to know him,

My father,
Is the kind of man who couldn't hide,
Anything,

Whether that be his addictions,
His ambition buried underneath his addictions,
Mild ones compared to some,
But addictions all the same,

Too busy wallowing in himself to take care of another,
Too busy wallowing in his past to worry about a future,
That he was deemed responsible for,
And he was supposed to have two,
I was supposed to be two,
And he did very little for me,
In any visible, understandable, or obvious way,

That's not to say he didn't do things at all,

But I didn't get to learn things from my father the way boys are supposed to,
I didn't learn things from camping trips, or good advice, or positive examples,

I learned by being angry and frustrated with him,
I learned by being disappointed and hurt by him,

He is why I refuse to make promises,
Too many of them break,

He is why I won't drink alone,
Even on nights when I probably should just to lighten up a bit,

He is why I can't shut the fuck up,
Because he both would say everything and nothing at once,
And then the same again and again and again,

He is why I have gotten my morals from comic books,
Because I wasn't given much to work with beyond the basic framework,
He is why I can't stand hypocrisy,

He is why I keep myself accountable,
Why I keep an eye on myself,
Make sure I know what I'm supposed to be doing,
Even if I don't do it,

He is why I am constantly searching for new stories,
Because I hate the look that says you've heard this one before,
Because I have given that look for a few lifetimes worth,
And know to just let someone go because they need to say it anyway,

I learned how to argue from him,
I try to avoid that,
Because the loudest person isn't the most correct,
And flipping tables to get his attention,
Doesn't work with most people,

I am taller than him,
There is no metaphor,
It's just surprising,
That's not to say I am better,

I can't imagine what he deals with,
How he chooses to deal with it,
He is very good at digging,

If I could dig half as good as him,
I would be bankrupting oil companies,

It is strange to hate and love someone at the same time,
The older I get the less I hope for some kind of redemption,
I no longer hang on to a need to understand,
I no longer need an apology as much as I used to,
I have gotten better at just accepting that this is how it will be,
How he will be,
Even after years of not speaking to him,
In some act of payback,
Nothing has changed,
And I refuse to bring it up,
For fear of destroying him further than he incompletes himself,
I cannot hurt him anymore than he has already hurt himself,

I'm only being honest because it's about time one of us was,

Don't get me wrong,
I love him,
More than he probably deserves,

He loves me,
In his own way,
Where he says it,
And I only believe it sometimes,

But a lot of the time,
I wish I'd had a father I could have continued looking up to,
Even after I got taller.