Drowning is Easy

I didn't realize the assignment,
Was to let go,
Then I refused it,
Like so many assignments before it,

I loved you like a panic attack,

Gasping for breath,
Assuming it was all I had,
Not really understanding,

I would live through this,

I have since survived more panic attacks,
Far worse ones than you,
But I forgot to throw it all out,

Your demands against my person,
Lingered,
I let them take over the rooms inside my head,
Bury their way into my heart,

When that isn't even what I wanted,
Then,
Or now,

I'm undoing it,
Finally,

Opening myself up,
With a crowbar,
Excavating,
Because I nailed it all down so hard,

Allowed these expectations to become part of me,
Nailed them in right next to the sign,
Do Not Enter,

That foolish boy,
Thought you were the world,
Because he hadn't seen anything else,

It's been years,
Allowing myself so little,
Expecting the expectations to be expected,

I let you in,
Not understanding the rules,
Not understanding my own agency,
Not understanding,

I let you redecorate,
When I didn't actually want to,

I let you remove the path,
Despite my internal thrashing,

I slowly strangled my own passions,
Because they weren't,
Stable,
Reliable,
Realistic,
Viable,
Acceptable,

I would have bled for that acceptance,
Mistook it for air,
Forgot how to breathe,
With my own lungs,

I'm undoing it,
Finally,

Taken to the edges of my own ability,
Beyond the coping mechanisms I built,
Before and after you,
Therapy,
I finally asked for help,
I finally understood it wasn't my fault,
It's been work,
Rewriting the voices in my head,
The ones that sound like you,
The ones that refuse to give me credit that echo with the same tones,
The ones that tell me I'm not enough through the phone,

I was never enough,
I believed that,

I was never enough,

For you,

I was never boring enough,
Never interested in the middle of that road,
I was never built for that,
The pinstripes wobble on me,

I see it now,

Actually,

I'm too much,
The multitudes I struggled to contain,
The dreams and wanderings were too much,
Not for me,
They were too much to follow me into,

So we lashed out at each other in as many ways as we could find,

I  have no desire to interact with you,
That's not out of fear,
I've just grown,
Past the idea there's anything there,
Anything left for me to learn,

I regret that my choices have shadowed so many after you,
That the choices I made trying to hold on,
Closed me off,
I pushed some very good people out of my life,
The assignment was to let go,
But no one told me that,

When you decided it was enough,
I martyred myself,
In some attempt to prove I was worthy,

I didn't understand The Depression,
The Anxiety,
The Missing Sister,
The traumas I had stacked before you were ever an idea,
I shook violently from them,
And I was told,
To get it together,
I was together,
As together as I had managed,

Which was enough,
Until it wasn't,
I didn't understand the one-sided nature of the work that was expected,

I still don't,
I don't understand how you could say those nice things,
Sound like you mean them,
Then do that to someone,

I spiraled out into the spaces where I had no hold,
You left me there to figure it out alone,
After telling me you'd be there,

Adrift,
For years,
By my own choices,
The decisions I made trying to keep a hold,
Of you,
And of what I thought myself was,

I loved you like a panic attack,

Then I had one,

I didn't understand what it was but I knew the desperation it brought me,
How familiar that was,
Wanting to do,
Anything,
Anything to get it right,
To feel better,
Anything at all,
Anything,
Anything to make me breathe normal,

I didn't really understand it,
I loved you like a panic attack,
I didn't understand it with you either,
I'm never going to breathe anybody else's normal,
I finally caught my breath,

I was born reaching for somebody who wasn't there,
Turns out I just did that with you too,
I just built an expectation and tried to fill the hole I didn't ask for with another,
That wasn't right for either of us,

I'm letting it go,
Expectations,
Choices,
What-ifs can go fuck themselves,

I have always been whole,
It just doesn't feel that way,

I loved you like a panic attack,

Then I got better,

I stopped knife fighting myself with your expectations,
I started rebuilding my own,
Remembering how I felt before I deconstructed myself,

I would never say it wasn't my fault,
I know what I did,
What I chose,

At this point the only thing I regret,
Is believing the words,
We both had such pretty words for each other,

But we meant them at different depths,
Meant them at different speeds,
Meant them in different times,

I finally found the threads, to letting go,
Unravelling them as fast as I can,
I found the reasons I liked who I was,
I no longer need to hate myself the ways you taught me,

For a long time,
I thought you were the monster,

I was just trying to people too hard,

I'm done being your car crash,
I'm done being my graveyard,
I'm tired of the basement I left myself in,

I loved you like a panic attack,

I'm reclaiming myself,
No longer withdrawn,
Ran out of self,
To tear down again,

Drowning yourself,
Is easy,
Just keep looking backwards,
Ignore everything around you,

I've decided to breathe,
I didn't know what I was missing,
I've outlived it all,
I'm still here,

And now,

I'm going to go haunt the rest of this place.