Father

Father
By Keynan Bailey

Father,
It’s a word for most that is good,
Implies caring, thoughtful, and influential people,
However I hear it and I hear a joke,
My father is a joke to me,
The guy from Fight Club says,
“Our fathers are our models for god,”
Well if that’s true then god hasn’t done a damn thing since creating man,
Does god get drunk nightly?
Does god smoke? And I don’t mean tobacco,
Does god think that feeding humanity, playing video games with humanity, and buying humanity presents is all he has to do?
My father never gave me any useful advice,
My father was never a role model,
Drunk and stoned nightly, he rambles on about the times he does remember,
That’s a total of 20 stories I’ve heard at least 20 times a year,
Now don’t get me wrong he could be worse,
But he’s still no goddamn father to me,
It always feels like I’m the one keeping him out of trouble,
I’ll never forgive him for my fifth birthday,
Just because he was the news person at The End and Kurt Cobain died,
My dad never came home on my fucking birthday,
He already only has to take care of only one instead of two children,
But he couldn’t even find time for me when I needed it,
The only thing that has ever meant anything is this necklace he gave to me on my eighteenth birthday straight off of his neck,
But I still don’t know what it means to me,
I use it as a reminder to not become him, and to never live like him,
It’s fucked up watching him drink himself stupid every night,
And then hearing him puke the next fucking morning,
Even worse is that having someone around with a hangover feels like home,
If my father was a father I wouldn’t have to write this bullshit poem,
So while the mainstream father is one who is upstanding and proud of his family,
My dad can’t even be proud of himself because he is too fucking drunk to recognize the rut he has put himself in,
Worst part of it all is that I have become him,
I fail and I wonder why, only to see that it’s all my doing, and I don’t change my situation, just like him,
I hate watching him get drunk every night, and I hate those 20 stories because I’ve heard them since I was 4 years old,
16 years times 20 stories 20 times each adds up to stupid bullshit I can’t get rid of,
I repeat stories to everyone else and it’s his fucking fault I annoy them with the same stupid jokes,
I don’t drink or take anything addictive except caffeine,
And it’s thanks to him,
He was the first in six generations in my family to stay around and take care of his kids,
All I know is when I have kids I don’t have to try very hard to beat how good a father he was,
I hate what he is because he could be better,
But most of all I hate when I do things he does,
Because then I feel like him and I hate myself for it,
Next time I hear the word father, I’ll laugh out loud, and I’ll cry inside,
Because mine never was one, and I’ve been one since age 12.

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