Lonely Hearts

My friend asked me,
If you had three hearts like an octopus
What would you do?

I only have one heart,
And most days,
It feels like it has left me,
To go and have a good time without me,
I write postcards to the anti-life,
In hopes that she will hear me,
Let me know she is okay,
And that I am not as alone as I feel,

If I had another heart,
She would be here,
That phone ringing inside my chest,
Would have an answer on the other side,

If I had a third heart,
I would be a mutant,
And mutants are the future,
Erin, I would be the future,
If I had three hearts like an Octopus,

But I don't,
I don't even have the 2 I'm supposed to,
It's cold and sad without her,
It's less cold and sad with someone,
Anyone,
To hold at night,

Which is why it's always harder,
When I decide to go back out into the cold,
Alone,
Like I've always been,

There are two times I am cold when I step outside,
Immediately after leaving the warmth of inside,
And when I return inside,
I have had years of practice,
I am very good at,
Numb,

Which is why it takes me so long to thaw out,
To people,
Living with a piece of you missing,
Isn't easy,

I feel like I had three hearts,
And I did,
Before I was born,
There were the two of us,
And the one carrying us,

If I had three hearts like an octopus,
I would be whole again,

Instead I scratch words on the inside of my eyelids,
So that I remember every time I blink,
That I am not alone,
That everyone around me is here for me,
Except for the one person who would understand me,

I cannot explain the depth of this,
It is lonely down here,
Octopodes are solitary creatures for a reason,
They know better,
They know enough to learn from one another,
And then eat them,

Female octopi release pheremones,
Those pheremones keep the males from eating them,
During mating season,

I'd like to think that's how I work,
That other people keep me from cannibalizing myself,

My mother is still alive,
She has done everything,
Everything a scared little boy could ever ask for,
To make him feel safe by himself,
Even though he is wired to have another beside him,

Most people celebrate their birthdays,
I try to ignore mine,
It's a reminder that I am wired for a parallel universe,
I am always reminded from about January on,
That I am alone,

Missing half of myself,
Scientists don't yet understand how much happens in the womb,
How can they?
Twins are rare,
Half of them are even more rare,

If you see me in a room full of people,
Looking sorry for myself,
Don't worry,
I'm only doing it somewhere I won't hurt myself,
I'm only doing it so I don't leave you how I feel,
Because if I did it alone too much,
I wouldn't be here,
To tell you how wonderful you are,
And mean it,
Everytime,
No matter who is in front of me,


Erin,
I already had three hearts,
Two of us are as well as we can be,
My mother,
She understands as much as anyone can,
But she still doesn't quite get it,
I already had three hearts, Erin,
I just want the other one back.