You Guys Should Have Met Her

We lost her sometime between the first and the fourth,

Kaira had her umbilical cord wrapped around her neck,

And the doctor's didn't notice it in time,

I'm doing my best to re-frame it from how I used to talk about it, It's a hole in my chest,

But I am whole,
I'm just without a piece of myself,

One I'm built to need,

People marvel at my ability to adapt,

Or maintain my cool in discomfort,

Or to completely lose my shit,

All three are because I came into this world screaming,

Mourning, someone no one else will ever know,

I shared the womb with her,

Outside of our mother, I was all she ever had,



The fucked up thing about that is, She's all I want when I'm alone,

Because with her here,

Alone,

Would never sting the way it does without her,

It would never be so final,

It would never be so decisive,
Alone,


I surround myself with the most excellent people I can find,

Constantly, and I love every last fucking one of you,

But you're not enough, and that's not your fault,


I came into this world screaming, Most would attribute that to the fluid in my lungs, I'm pretty sure it was something else,

Like The Everything owes me something,


My therapist told me I could separate the grief, Remembering her,

And my birthday,
She also told me to ditch the guilt,


All of that is scary as fuck since this is all I've ever known,

But here I am digging in and trying to grow,

But I refuse to grow without her,

I refuse to move on,

To be honest I'm not even capable of moving on,

There's always that tug at the ether,

Like she's somewhere out there,

Waiting to get to work,

Like we were supposed to,


So instead I work overtime, I do everything as hard as I can,
Because what the fuck is the point,

Of winning the coin toss to exist,

If you sit around and waste it,


Some of this is for me,

That much is necessary in all this mess,

But all of it,
Forever,

Every last thing I do

Is for Kaira Anna Bailey,

I wish you guys could have known her like I did,

Because if you think I'm cool,

You really missed out.

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