Father

Father

I was raised by a mother full of axioms,
One of the best is,
Treat people how you want to be treated,
I miss the mark sometimes,

I was raised by a society that taught me,
That a man must take responsibility,
Even for his mistakes,
I am fairly certain you see me as a mistake,

Dad,
I refer to you in common speech as,
My father,
If only to make the entire thing more formal,
Less familiar,
Less kind,

My friend Bryan tells me,
That I should talk to you,
While I still have the chance,
Bryan no longer does,

I cannot imagine that,
So I keep writing,
Keep hoping you'll step forward,
And just talk to me,

You see,
You were dealt two by the universe,
Two mistakes,
Two things you had no idea what to do with,

But before we arrived,
We all lost her,
Me more than the rest of you,
You lucked out dad,

But here's the part that really pisses me off,
You were supposed to have two balls to juggle,
To teach and create a person out of,
Through input, and advice, and any wisdom you found along the way,

Instead, you got one ball,
Refused to juggle,
And dropped me here,
Figuring out how to be a man on my own,
In a skin built for two,
But with only enough material for one,

You don't think I'm not alone enough?
You think you have it hard,
Try having to own everything I've carried from birth,
Only to have you,

Watch you do nothing but complain,
And drink,
And waste your fucking life,
Despite some potential you could have fucking used,

I watched you do all of this for a long time,
I didn't get it at first,
I thought you were great,
Mom let me think that,

That means that you fucked it up,
You burnt it down,
You didn't walk away you just never showed up,

Just like my sixth birthday,
I stayed home from school,
You were going to pick me up after work,
It was our day,

Instead you stayed at work,
I got it then,
If only in the back of my brain,
My heart wanted to believe you,

Believe the words you said,
But a thousand broken little promises later,
You words stopped working on me,
The time I could make you shut up,
The victories,
Were amazing,
Because I had hoped it had gotten through,
That you might just this fucking once,
Have listened to your son,

Instead,
I would leave,
Hug mom, hard,
"I know," she would tell me,
As I vented all my frustrations about you,
She'd been there,
She knew how you were,
But she let me figure it out on my own,

You fucked it up,
Then you tried to tell me how to live,
Yeah, remember that,
In high school,
You said I was a fuckup,
Yeah, there's a poem back there,

I hate to think I was right,
But here we are,
I stopped trying,
You aren't talking,

I don't want you to die,
Well not without talking to me,
Not without trying to fucking explain yourself,
Not without realizing what you're missing,

I had to look other places for things,
You should have tried to teach me,
I found role models in comic books,
In books I'd read,

The more time went on I cast off more and more of you,
Because it all seemed too inconsiderate,
Too empty,

You moved away,
You left me the kitchen,
The microwave,
Some furniture,

But more importantly,
You left me,
You finished something, for once

The next time you called,
It was a year or two later,
Or maybe it was a holiday,
To tell me that our cat had died,
Thanks Dad,
Move away and get our cat dead,
Cool,

Nothing to talk about,
Nothing to ask me about,
Just that info,
Then you got off the phone,
Trying to replace me with that other family,

In between that and your incredibly sad return,
You called me,
But only on birthdays and holidays,
There you are again,

Mr. Bare Minimum,
I never learned anything from what you said,
I mostly learned this being a man thing in spite of you,
I found it in other places,

But that doesn't mean you can't try it,
You can still own this mistake,
You can still try to talk to me,
To understand,

And maybe,
If you make an honest effort,
And try hard enough,
I can not only love you in the way that I have to,
Maybe, I can even forgive you
For the way you treated me,
Instead of the way you wanted to be treated.