Danger: Words may be larger than they appear.

Quitting caffiene, Folding my laundry, Cleaning my room, This and many more, Are now the things I will do, Instead of writing my requisite poetry, Maybe, Or I might play more video games.

He can fly around, Pickup anything, Reverse time by running around the planet, And shoot lasers out of his eyes, He should be the coolest guy ever, And lots of people think he is, But there's a problem, Everytime I see him, He's too powerful, He's the reason I don't find gods interesting, Because he isn't, Superman does nothing but catch airplanes all day, And then go on to act like humanity, By bumbling around and acting timid, That's this alien motherfucker's view on humanity, Well I'm sorry that we can't fucking fly, Or be solar powered, Or have arctic breath, Is that shit ever useful? I mostly feel sorry for the guy, He obviously doesn't know who he is, Raised by farmers, He's trying to be a humble earthling, And denying what he is, For all intents and purposes, He is a god, He doesn't act like one, But he is one, I can't figure it out, Why is he so boring? He can do anything, And he spends his time be...

Get yourself some good people, The saddest thing I hear from new people, Is, I don't have any friends, My first thought is, Man, that is rough, And my second is, This is probably bullshit, I have known very few people who have NO friends, That's different from, A few good friends, Or one great friend, You need good people in your life, Because they will help you when you need it, When you're too afraid to ask for it, When you're too weak, They'll help you out without even asking for it, If you don't have any like that, Find some new ones, Everybody needs that one friend, Who knows what to say when, And when not to say anything at all, I can only hope I am as good to my people, As they are to me, I strive to be better, Because that's how I am, But it's not a competition, I'd list some names, But y'all know who you are.

Anytime I step back, It's all I can say, Huh? How did I fall into liking someone like this, So far away, And how, How is it that after talking so much, For so long, That is the only thing I really notice, The only thing I could call a problem, Everything else, Seems too easy, I'm waiting for the trap door, I'm waiting for something that isn't an outside threat, I'm waiting for an alarm that isn't coming, I don't know what to do about it, I normally would do something insane, Irrational, And stupid, And completely ridiculous, But you're over there, And I can't, I can't do the normal, Stupid, Leap of faith kind of thing, That I would normally do, You're amazing, And this is me jumping up and down, Wishing I had some way to show you, That I think that, Without just saying it, Or writing it, Again, And again, And again.

Twenty five poems and thirty days later, I still don't know what to write, So I sit down and write, And pretty words come out, At least some people call them pretty, I look at them and I know, I could do better, They tell me, That line was really good, And I politely nod, And then wonder why they aren't all that good, Why I can't spit epiphanies on command, So I keep writing, Whenever a good turn of phrase hits me, I slam it onto paper ASAP, A lot less lately than it used to hit me, Which leads me to how writing is like a muscle, But in your brain, You gotta keep using it, Or else you only get a trickle, Of the good stuff, That's why I started this 30/30 thing, And that's why with five and a half hours left, I still intend to finish it.

Another lazy day off, Another imposing deadline, Another pile of things to do, I'm still tired from work, And from not sleeping properly for the last, Always, I don't want to do shit, I want to relax, But I know there's stuff I need to do too, I need to spend my money less frivolously, I hate when it feels like it evaporates, People at work wonder why I'm so frustrated and snarky, Then they ask me, And then all they can say is, Man that sucks, Or, I'm sorry man, Yeah, Me too.

Huh? Oh yeah I'm fine, It's what I say so I don't have to explain it, So I don't get the pity I don't need, Or the sympathy that can't quite grasp it, There's a hole in my chest, It's been there as long as I can remember, Torn through my self from birth, From separation of the other half of me, Tore this spot open, It gets rough and burns sometimes, When I am really feeling the hurt, When I remind myself of the things I have been through, I fall into it a little more on hard days, A hug might help, For a while, But I just have to live with it, Anything else and I'll fall in too deep, I edge around it, I don't want to lose the light, When it all hurts, I try not to sit too hard in myself, So I don't do anything stupid, I would write encyclopedias of these feelings, If it didn't feel so self serving and stupid, It's honest only to a point, I can only wallow so long before I get frustrated with myself, B...

It's weird that I won't talk about him lately, I wonder what else is that way now, Have I closed myself up too much? Or am I just not telling everyone everything all at once? If you asked me outright, About him, And I was feeling particularly honest, I'd say I never really had a father, Not in the classical sense, I fear my story is all too modern, I have a father, I am lucky enough to know him, But I am also unlucky enough to know him, My father, Is the kind of man who couldn't hide, Anything, Whether that be his addictions, His ambition buried underneath his addictions, Mild ones compared to some, But addictions all the same, Too busy wallowing in himself to take care of another, Too busy wallowing in his past to worry about a future, That he was deemed responsible for, And he was supposed to have two, I was supposed to be two, And he did very little for me, In any visible, understandable, or obvious way, That's not to say he didn...

It's another one, The kind of night where you can't write the itch in your veins out, Where you feel too much pain for the moment, Too many past decisions, pains, and regrets returning all at once, I start things very easily, Too quickly, Without planning, And lose it somewhere in the middle, I don't finish much, I should work on that, Most of the time I can't understand my family, Nights like tonight I do, But I wonder how they do it, Without an outlet, Or trying to put things in them to make it feel better, I can't possibly understand it, I have no idea how I would deal with this, Without being able to write, No wonder we all seem nuts.

Write more, Run more, Decide more, Get a better job, Find new people, Don't forget your people, Save money, Buy those things you need, Stop wasting, Keep smiling, Stop faking those smiles, Be genuine with at least yourself, Sleep more, Work out more, Stop the frustration, Continue forward, That's your only option anyway, Breathe.

I don't know how to deal with you, I've done my best to communicate, You can't or won't explain it, You said you considered moving here for me, Don't move for someone else, Ever, Move here if you want to, But that doesn't guarantee that things can or will be the same, I'd love for it to be easy, But you yourself said we've never been easy, I just want you to be happy, However that works out for you, I don't know, I'm around, We're friends no matter what, But I won't make promises I can't keep, And I won't ask anyone to wait.

Seeing you is extremely difficult, I'm still nervous before, When you're around, Everything is EXACTLY like it was, I kind of hate it, It would be so easy, If it weren't so fucking difficult, It's extremely hard to say no to you, Especially when it's about you missing me, And everything saying that implies, I'm sorry I just stared at you by the door, But anything else would have felt like a mistake, Even if it was amazing in the moment, Even letting you go feels like a mistake, I hate that you feel like a mistake, With what we've done to each other, Because you're better than that, And always will be, You're beautiful, It makes me feel small, I miss you too, But I can't continue to jump into something, Not when I can only have it on pre-planned days off, That's too hard on my circuitry, You're hard on my circuitry, In that you're amazing, And at the same time, So incredibly unavailable.

1148, I looked it up, 1148 is how long it really is, Which is funny, Because 1142 is six less, I know I can run six, Done it plenty of times before, Stupid I know, I liked the significance, Kind of like you do, Often for no good reason other than we both get whatever the other is saying, It's effortless, We both understand how nice it is just to have someone to talk to, Even if it's about absolutely nothing, I've gotten to the point where I can hear your smile through the phone, At least sometimes, Hard to tell without a visual input to go with the tone change, Your laughter makes me grin, Like a big dumb idiot, Even when I'm not responsible for it, We're both ignoring how much time we spend talking to each other, As if that somehow makes the distance and the connection less important, Less in the way, You like the way my brain arranges words, I like the way you describe things, Always a good visual explanation, Of some idiot's clothing...

Alright, Did you ever want to be an astronaut? Of course you did, If you didn't, What the fuck is wrong with you!? Sorry, I got a little angry there, But seriously, When I log on to Howmanypeopleareinspacerightnow.com And I keep seeing 6, That shit pisses me off. 7 billion people on the planet, And we only put up 6 at a time, Into low orbit, For those of you that don't know, Low orbit means, near the planet, Somewhere between here and the moon, Alright, Now we went to the moon, That's pretty fucking cool, But that was fifty years ago, Why haven't we gone back? Why can't I live there? How come Neil, Buzz, and a few other guys are the only ones? Do you know how much the Apollo program cost the average American citizen? Two pennies per year, You're trying to tell me you don't have two pennies a year? Motherfucker, what are you spending that on!? Look, ask anyone who was there, The 60s, with the space race, There was hope, There was grow...

Raise your hands if you believe in privacy, As a concept, Okay, now keep them up if you think you have it, Okay, now keep you hands up if you use: A cell phone, Social networking, Google or any other major search engine, A library card, (Yeah right! Who reads, right?) A bank, A debit card, A computer, Or the internet, Okay, is your hand still up? Sorry, no. People say, "But I have rights to privacy!" That's when I lose my shit, Every time. You don't get it that way. How many End User License Agreements did you accept this week? You don't get to run around squawking about your rights to privacy, And use all these convenient services, That's not part of the deal, It used to be you had that thing, Privacy, Until they realized they can track your spending habits, That was with credit and debit cards years ago, Oh you love the internet and how you can search for anything? Tracked. Books at the library? Tracked. Family Member w...

America, We need to talk, How come it's so hard to get wages higher? Why are we letting the banks take our money again? I want you to shut the fuck up for a second, And listen, If you spent half the time you spent on the Kardashians, fixing yourself, I wouldn't be so fucking angry every day, I want you to consider educating your children, I want you to stop acting like racism is over, Just because some of us elected a black guy, Doesn't mean you can act like everything is okay, When are you going to give up your wars? When are you going to adopt good wars? Wars on drugs and terror, Nothing but money pits, What about the war on poverty? What about the war on hunger? I am getting bled dry to feed the CEOs more cash, You are too busy sucking at the television, Loving American Idol, To pay attention, Now before you get up my ass, Last I checked, Dissent was the most American idea available, You know, according to the starting idea, I'm getting af...

Boston, I have never met you, Not face to face, I have friends that have lived with you, Friends that live relatively near to you, By comparison, You have people, Great people, People who continue running, Even after the goal had been reached, They were tired, But they saw a need, To go get blood from the nearest hospital, To help any way they could, Boston, I heard the news, And my heart hurt, I was too young for 9/11 to properly sink in, That was more shock, Than related pain, We don't know who has done this to you, We know you have handled it beautifully, Done everything you can for all your people, Grown beyond the blasts, And moved forward, New York, Is by your side, Even in baseball, I cannot fathom, Running a marathon, And stopping only to be started again so violently, Runners get it, You never really stop, You keep going, Just like you have, I wish for proper handling of punishment, I want you to heal these scars, Even though som...

It's one of those nights, My throat is dry, My hands are limp from too much time at the keyboard, I don't feel like writing, I feel drained, I even took a nap today, I never do that, My head is dull and achy, My finger badly bruised, My chest feels bruised, That's emotional, The head may as well have some psychological bruising too, So much struggle lately, So much teaching people how to do my job, I want to leave it with them, When I leave every day I want it to be the last, "You can do anything on your last day," One of my managers told me that once, I like the sound of it, I also like the ideas it brings me, Twisted ideas concerning vandalism and revenge, Tyler would be proud, It's one of those nights where anything I create, Feels wrong, Because it's a reflection of how I feel, I'm itchy inside, Struggling for change, I want better for myself and I can't seem to find it anywhere, Just me and my blank pages staring ba...

Neither of us is having a good year, We've both contributed to that, In the way that we continue to tangle each other, You sent me a message today with some more bad news, It wasn't for me, You just needed sympathy, I hope it was adequate, I do my best to be genuine with everyone, You especially, Since I wasn't always that way, I'm sorry, That it's a rough year, I know that all too well, You'll get through this, You're stronger than you know.

I finally understand some of it, If I let myself, I would drink every night too, I would try and forget how much it all hurts, How much it all sucks day to day, But instead, All I can do is slam my head into the wall everyone tells me has progress on the other side, When the fuck is this thing going to give? I get it a little bit, But I still don't get the choices you made, Is it really easier to run? Or just more comfortable to drink it away? I know I can't get anything done working on it, So I can't imagine how you must feel after all these years of barely facing any of it.

What the fuck, Seriously? This year sucks, I'm still at my shitty job, Yeah I moved out, But that just means now I have, Even, Less, Money, End of a relationship, That was January, Even though it is a good thing that's over, Way less complicated now, Robotics this year was more pain than fun, I have gotten so close to two or three jobs I could spit on them, Only to be turned down over small technicalities, A concussion, More recently I think I broke a finger at that goddamned job, Every day I want to quit, I hate that place so much, I have to train new people while biting my tongue so hard it should have bled by now, They're so happy to have a job, I want to give them mine and walk out knowing I never have to to that shit again, I never want to work for another corporation, I am burnt out, Exhausted, Frustrated, And constantly getting fucked around, Schedule? Yeah that would imply regularity on some level, Pay? Yeah, enough that I still have t...

FUCK!

When it all stacks up, I get exhausted, Frustrated, I am stretched beyond my ability to cope, I shouldn't need to be, To be ill adjusted to an insane world is not insanity, I am tired of struggling for dollars, What we want is change, I have always been extreme in my beliefs on how to get it, The slow method where we keep the rich in power isn't working, They're still in power, Still twisting their words to sound good, While they write them to continuously write us off, Wake the fuck up, The best part of waking up, Is justified rage in your cup, People deserve more than anyone is giving them, We live in an age where a man can drop out of orbit, Where we can automatically send food to astronauts hurtling above us, And can drop missiles on "bad people" without being anywhere near them, Why can't we drop real food on people? Why can't we educate our children? When the bodies pile up in the streets of foreign lands, Some of us get ...

Yep, 25 now! This still feels like 17, I hate it when people ask me, 'Oh you're that old?' Yep, put my time in that long, I know I look 15, Deal with it, I look back now with a bit more patience than I would have at 17, Or 19, Or 23, Which is funny, because I was almost busier in those years than I am now, I don't feel as frustrated or tired of the daily grind when I remind myself of what I have done, In 25 years I have done quite a bit more than most people my age, I have not graduate from college, Someday, I have written an entire full length novel in a month, That was hard in the moment, But like all things the hardest thing was continuing to do it when it got hard, I am learning from that still, I am a published poetry writer, In very small circles, Hey, me, lets work on that a bit more huh? I feel as I get older that it's time to get my shit together, But then I look around and realize, I've got some shit together, I no long...

I have always told people that I have never been to a funeral, That's true, But every year I mourn for you, Today is April 8th 2013, Our birthday, You, Didn't make it, I, Am left on this plane without you, You would think that bruise would heal, After Twenty Five years, It only gets more tender, I don't like partying on my birthday, I'm already dealing with too much, I know I should be happy, Adopt some kind of half full glass type shit, But I can't, I won't, God dammit never going to, Today I am reminded of someone I never talked to, But she and I could draw maps of each others' bones, Today I fake the smiles the hardest, So no one worries, On the day we were born, You were already gone, I miss you, I wonder where we would be if we were here together, Happy Unbirthday, I once wrote that 'Black holes are just the universes way of gasping for light', You are, were, and always will be my light, I will never reach ...

Woe is he! The poor truck driver that was waiting for me upon arrival at my workplace, Woe is he! For I am making him unload the plants in his faithful steed for it is not my job to, And legally I may not do so, Woe is he! While he complains about back breaking labor, I muse to myself about how he's the one who picked backside enlarging labor, Woe is he! For it must be difficult to sit on one's ass so long that it goes numb and you must shift in your seat, Oh how difficult his plight, carrying tens of thousands of pounds in his giant metal bin, While I must carry easily ten times what he is bitching at me about, daily, Woe is he! While he looks at me and says, "Gee I'd hate to make you work hard" Whilst I sit on the forklift waiting for him to quit bitching and work, "You do know I get to move those 8 more times by hand before anyone buys them right?" I throw it back in his face and show him I don't care for his whining, It must be hard ...

She calls me on her way home, A lot, I'm trying to ignore the subconscious significance of that, But my brain won't let me let go of it, She's eleven hundred some miles away, That seems like a lot, And it is, But I find myself not caring about that, Or that she's taller than me, Or a lot of other things I would've been hung up on in the past, There's a strange thing going on, I can't ignore it, I can't explain it, All I can really do is keep following this line of interest, And that interest keeps getting bigger, We are both so similar it's often hilarious, And comforting, We are both so self deprecating that it's stupid, And then we sling compliments at each other, I have no clue what's going on, I have no idea how I got here so soon after a lot of weird shit, I feel like I've crossed over into my mid 20s, That magical time where jobs, and women, Come after you, That magical time where you decide to get your s...

Some days are uneventful, And they don't make you feel like writing, So you write a haiku. Also, I ran today. It was great.

Days off from work are funny, You say, "I'm going to get shit done!" the night before, And then you wake up, And lay there, And roll over, And fall asleep for an hour without even realizing it, And lay there, And then get up, Okay, Now it's noon, Good job, Then you move a few feet, Check in on the computer and the rest of the world, Huh, Yeah? Okay cool, Then you say, Maybe I'll just play one game, 3pm sets in, You're still in your underwear, You go to the kitchen, Grab something to munch on, Feed the caffiene beast, 5pm rolls around after youtube and assorted bullshit, You then kind of let go of getting anything done, You lament it for a minute, Then you say, "Fuck it, it's my day off," You've always got that other day off to work with, Right? Oh, what? I work tomorrow? Dammit, where are my goldfish crackers to make me feel better!? I still haven't put pants on either.

The beginning of the year, So full of promise and hope, That things will get better, And still yet, A reminder, That some things can't, Every year a cloud follows the fireworks into my life, And every year I can't help but live in a land of hypotheticals, A few months filled with, What-ifs, Whys, and What happeneds? I dance around it often in writing, I am a twin, My sister died before birth, The weird part is I hate metaphor dancing around the truth, But some things are too squishy and soft, Take lifetimes to heal and even then remain tender, I am still wired to have a constant companion with full understanding, If you see me in a room full of friends and family and I am alone, Don't worry, I'm just practicing with supervision, For the times when no one is around, It gets much harder, Things get a lot quieter and darker, Those mock runs help me with the real ones, So I don't do anything stupid, Kurt Cobain wa...