Danger: Words may be larger than they appear.

You showed up out of thin electrons, We've talked way more than we probably should, I've thought about you way more than I should let myself, But I don't really care about that, I'm enjoying myself dammit, And every once in a while, I feel like I fucking deserve that, You push my comfort zone, I like that, I didn't know I liked that, I'm having a hard time with this, When from so far away, It feels like even our shivers fit, It feels stupid and dumb, To be thinking about something that I can't have like this, But I don't care, I feel like I fucking deserve it, And I don't really want to stop.

It was one of those rare moments, I bitched about the droning monotony of my employment, She has watched this, Seen it, And recognized something, Perhaps echoes of someone she once was, So she steps in to deliver one of those reminders I need, You're looking at it wrong, I respond loudly, caught up in frustration, She stands her ground, Tells me I'm ridiculous, And waits, It sinks in after the rant ends, How should I look at it? I ask after the anger runs down, She explains it quickly, A few words about choice, These are the jabs, Setting me up for the real point, Then she lands the big one, Chase The Happy, Asshole. It hits hard, She barely knows me but phrases it perfectly to smash through me, It's going on my wall, Maybe my ceiling so I see it when I wake up, Maybe tattooed as a reminder, Chase The Happy, Asshole.

How do I explain it properly? I keep trying to figure that out, Even after years, After fights over nothing and everything, After a relationship cut short, For all the right reasons in that time, After one of the rockiest friendships I've ever had, You are still electric, I can't breathe properly with you, Just like I can't breathe right around Styrofoam, Constantly trying to catch it, My breath, I don't want to be that guy, The friend who's hung up on you, So I do my best not to be, I still try to be a good friend, As hard as I can, But then you hug me, Or touch me on accident, Or I give you a backrub, Or you fall asleep on me at a bus stop, It's a constant up and down, My heart runs marathons, Up and down hill, I want it to be normal for the sake of simplicity, I want to not have to wonder why that's there, It's funny because I keep coming back to it, And you have varying levels of interest, I feel like I've worn th...

My friend asked me, If you had three hearts like an octopus What would you do? I only have one heart, And most days, It feels like it has left me, To go and have a good time without me, I write postcards to the anti-life, In hopes that she will hear me, Let me know she is okay, And that I am not as alone as I feel, If I had another heart, She would be here, That phone ringing inside my chest, Would have an answer on the other side, If I had a third heart, I would be a mutant, And mutants are the future, Erin, I would be the future, If I had three hearts like an Octopus, But I don't, I don't even have the 2 I'm supposed to, It's cold and sad without her, It's less cold and sad with someone, Anyone, To hold at night, Which is why it's always harder, When I decide to go back out into the cold, Alone, Like I've always been, There are two times I am cold when I step outside, Immediately after leaving the warmth of inside, And...

It's been more than a few years since it all fell apart, A few less since it finally lost integrity, Disintegrated into shouting, And things we probably meant more than we ever should have, I should have let go before that. I still can't let go of the armor I made after that, I took the monsters that were waiting outside my confidence, And I let them in, I let them in and I made things out of them, Things that made me feel comfortable when I was weak, Now, I'm strong again, And they're choking me, Keeping me from enjoying myself, Helping me to ruin very good things. So here I stand again, with the armor that is now too small for me, It keeps me from growing, I want to blame all those years ago, The things we said and meant, Even the things we didn't mean, But there's only me, I haven't cleaned up the mess I built inside of me, The lies you told me, Whatever they were, Weren't as big as the lies I told myself, I want out of this, That's what...

We don't know what were doing, I don't know what to say to convince you, That all of this is more real than anything I've felt in a long time, Again, You're hesitant and at the same time holding yourself back, I can feel it with that 6 inches of space between us, While we watch movies in my empty house together, Just enough room for Jesus, You laugh at my sausage fingers, I grin at the way you eat, We've got all of this still here, And somehow we're fooling ourselves that it isn't perfect, Forcing ourselves into different time zones, So that things like hugs and brushes against one another, Don't trigger some sort of fusion reaction, It isn't perfect, But you, You rattle me, You rattle my cage and it makes me smile, You rattle the sorrow out of the worst things, You make me smile at things, Things that would normally push me into frustration, You make imperfection so fucking wonderful, I don't know where else to find thi...

The morning is the only honest time of day, I don't mean when you wake up, I mean when I invariably pack it in for sleeping, There is nothing more honest than 2 am, How alone you are, And how at the same time you don't need anything else, Except your desk, and that glass of whatever you're drinking tonight, There is nothing more comforting, Than a walk in your neighborhood at 2 am, Wherein you probably carry a weapon, For personal security, And so you don't become a headline, 3 am is the perfect girlfriend, She never leaves you except for when it is time, She always returns, right there when you need her, And she always takes you away from the other girls, There is nothing more honest than an evening stuck at home, The kind of night that turns into so many others, Where you lose track of yourself, And finally remember to rest.