Danger: Words may be larger than they appear.

I didn't realize the assignment, Was to let go, Then I refused it, Like so many assignments before it, I loved you like a panic attack, Gasping for breath, Assuming it was all I had, Not really understanding, I would live through this, I have since survived more panic attacks, Far worse ones than you, But I forgot to throw it all out, Your demands against my person, Lingered, I let them take over the rooms inside my head, Bury their way into my heart, When that isn't even what I wanted, Then, Or now, I'm undoing it, Finally, Opening myself up, With a crowbar, Excavating, Because I nailed it all down so hard, Allowed these expectations to become part of me, Nailed them in right next to the sign, Do Not Enter, That foolish boy, Thought you were the world, Because he hadn't seen anything else, It's been years, Allowing myself so little, Expecting the expectations to be expected, I let you in, Not understanding the rules, Not understanding my own agency, Not understandi...

We lost her sometime between the first and the fourth, Kaira had her umbilical cord wrapped around her neck, And the doctor's didn't notice it in time, I'm doing my best to re-frame it from how I used to talk about it, It's a hole in my chest, But I am whole, I'm just without a piece of myself, One I'm built to need, People marvel at my ability to adapt, Or maintain my cool in discomfort, Or to completely lose my shit, All three are because I came into this world screaming, Mourning, someone no one else will ever know, I shared the womb with her, Outside of our mother, I was all she ever had, The fucked up thing about that is, She's all I want when I'm alone, Because with her here, Alone, Would never sting the way it does without her, It would never be so final, It would never be so decisive, Alone, I surround myself with the most excellent people I can find, ...

Fuck you! It's January! Where your insides itch, and it's too cold to run Where you want to cuddle up in some warmth and make yourself feel better, But fuck you, you're not built for that, It doesn't stick, not like it should, I haven't shaved in two weeks and I still don't have a beard, He said, for the rest of forever, There's a mountain of laundry back at my place, But I'm here, Catsitting, for my wonderful ex-neighbors, It's 10:44 PM and I was just reminded that my soul needs scratched, Reminded that I want to find a way to get a q-tip in there, If they're not for your ears they've gotta be for something right? I get told to calm down a lot, I don't really know how, I'm stuck in always on, I'm always performing, I'm always angry, Because I kicked and screamed my way into this place, I kicked, and I screamed, And I never really stopped I'm still screaming, All the time, It's cold out here, and ...

I don't love like everyone else, I'm not afraid of letting go, I'm not afraid of being alone, I already live with those two every day, I already live without someone I need, I've learned to deal with it, You live with a soreness long enough, Your body gets used to it, It's kind of like that, I've adapted to this, The first few times hurt real bad, Felt like I wouldn't come back, But the echoes of couplings past, Well, those pale to what I've been unpacking, I don't sleep well, I push myself easily, I break myself more than anything else can, I've got too much to do right now, But someday, I'm probably going to choose how I leave, I'd like the punctuation to be on my terms.

I'm really unfocused today, Can't keep track of anything, I probably need to eat or something, But that doesn't make it hurt less, That I forgot her name, Kaira, K-A-I-R-A, was written on my arm as soon as I found it, There's a profound disappointment and frustration in myself from this, From forgetting her, I didn't really, but I'm still mad, Mad that I can forget that when it's so important, My mom and I went through the records on our birthday, She and I were close to a pound apart, I'm not sure if that's her umbilical, Cutting off the nutrients for her to grow, Eventually killing her, Or if that's common, Or if anything could have been done, I'm keeping it together lately, At least externally, I'm working hard on lots, Pushing myself in a lot of ways, Changes coming and I want to be prepared, But when I stop, and breathe, It's all raw, and it makes the hole expand, It tries to swallow me, It will eat me some day, I've ...

I'm sorry that we had to share those 9 miles, I'm sorry we couldn't talk, That I couldn't listen, I'm only sorry because you were in the back of the ambulance, And I was forced to stare at and into the ambulance, It was a traffic jam, I'm sorry for whatever reason you ended up in there, There's never a good ambulance trip as far as I can tell, You kept staring out the window, I kept trying not to stare at you, Trying not to wonder who you were, Why you were there, And really really hoping I wasn't watching someone expire because of traffic, We were stuck in that jam, Together, With the EMT just trying to do his job next to you, It was weird, Deeply intimate, No context, I'll never see you again, Sharing those moments with you while I was just trying to get home, It put traffic into perspective in a way never thought could happen, I wanted to get home, You wanted to make sure you were okay, Going to be okay, You had a desperation to you that slamm...

I don't really believe in capital 'm' Marriage, I don't know how to say that to your face without it seeming personal, It's not, it has way more to do with everyone else and with me, than with us, I haven't met a marriage I trusted or that anyone liked it in the forever way that thing is supposed to be, I don't want to get married, I don't want to cause a divorce, I don't want to figure out who gets what assets, I don't want a longer, more complicated, way more legal version of heartbreak, I don't think anyone should jump into that for a paycheck raise, Or anything stupid and vapid like that, But it's a lot more serious than most people seem to take it at our age, Maybe I'm just not right for it, I don't know where to find the positive in it, Now that doesn't mean it doesn't work for other people, But I've seen it flop too many times to even trust it, There's only one woman I've loved my whol...

Father I was raised by a mother full of axioms, One of the best is, Treat people how you want to be treated, I miss the mark sometimes, I was raised by a society that taught me, That a man must take responsibility, Even for his mistakes, I am fairly certain you see me as a mistake, Dad, I refer to you in common speech as, My father, If only to make the entire thing more formal, Less familiar, Less kind, My friend Bryan tells me, That I should talk to you, While I still have the chance, Bryan no longer does, I cannot imagine that, So I keep writing, Keep hoping you'll step forward, And just talk to me, You see, You were dealt two by the universe, Two mistakes, Two things you had no idea what to do with, But before we arrived, We all lost her, Me more than the rest of you, You lucked out dad, But here's the part that really pisses me off, You were supposed to have two balls to juggle, To teach and create a person out of, Through input, an...

C is compassion, It tastes like mom's best meal, It feels like that teddy bear you probably still have, It's that comfort meal you come back to when it gets tough, Mine is grilled cheese and tomato soup, Warm, helpful and always the same just when you need it, A is Affection, It looks like their smile, You know the one, The smile you get when they're just enjoying watching you exist, It feels like the absolute best fucking sweater you can buy, Like clouds made of wishbones and shooting stars, but softer, A feels like hope, when you thought you'd just lost all of it, F is Forgiveness, A guy I look up to once said, 'Forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past', This is the tricky part, Being able to let go, Being able to accept what happened, And that you cannot change it, Not wanting to change it, That's the trap, It's too easy to ignore F and enjoy the memories, As an avid history fiend, I know to remember the past or I'm...

Chasing Light She says she loves me, I reciprocate in as much as I can, I tell her I love her, But I'm not sure I work the way I used to, I'm afraid of not meaning it, I'm afraid of leading another one on, I'm afraid that I can't mean it the way I once did. I've been trying more lately, Practicing letting go, I let go of a lot of things very easily, Almost everything in fact, But for some reason I can't let the ghosts go, I am haunted by how much I once cared, Constantly, To the point where trying to care as hard again, Feels like drowning, Choking under the weight of my memory.

When people ask carefully, And respectfully, I try to explain it to them, It's like you have a hole in your chest, There's a phone in there, It's ringing off the fucking hook, You know with every fiber built around that hole, That the one person who gets it, and you, Is on the other end, And every time you reach in, And pick it up, And put it to your ear, Static, Every, Fucking, Time, No one really gets that, It doesn't resonate right, Let me try again, In 1945 America dropped two bombs on Japan, To end the war, To lower the loss of life, And any number of other reasons, Up to and including, We wanted to, The bombs left burn marks in the buildings of the people, The only things left from the people caught in the blast, It's kind of like that, And I mean no disrespect to Japan, Or the people affected by our actions as a nation, But it's like that, It's like I was dropped into this world, And she was burned into my sk...

She said to me, 'I was totally flirted with at the taco truck, But I didn't tell have the heart to tell him, That he was but a candle to the sun I already have," And I said 'Give me those knitting needles! Because you just stole MY hobby, Baby, that! Was poetry!' At least that's what I would have said, But you see we were only two months in, And I REALLY didn't want to scare her off, Don't make it weird, Just smile and say thank you, and then fumble on a 'Yeah, I really like you too,' Now kick rocks bashfully while marveling at her ability, To make you, Mr. Grumpypants, Smile, Wonder how 2 months in, She's already through your defenses, And the first thing you think about when you wake up, Think about how she is just as weird as you, How she doesn't give a shit about what happened before, Unless you bring it up first, The part where she treats you with respect, And adores you when you're being stupid, ...

I don't understand this, She says she likes me, Likes spending time with me, Kisses me goodbye, But then, She's all over her phone when she's around me, And somehow I never get responded to like that, Or my phone is fucking it all up between us, And yeah, I'm definitely overthinking it, But I'm hung up on this girl, And she's just being vague as hell, And practically ignoring me, But then if I drop it, And walk away, She's back in three weeks, Saying how much she misses me, Or how sorry she is for being disrespectful to me, I get that people can be busy, I get that life is fucking rough on people, I get that more than a lot of people, I don't get that you can say those things, And not act on them, I don't get that I can be completely honest, And get the most minimal detail, Conversation, Or explanation, Possible, I am writing paragraphs, And getting one word sentences, I am explaining how I feel, And getting told, Yeah, th...

The day we met, You had a two foot tall bright blue mohawk, And a smile that was brighter than the springtime Atlanta sun, Just as warm too, The butterflies in my stomach need sunglasses for that smile, The first time we kissed, Was on your front doorstep, After one of the worst movies I have seen to this day, That is one of those decisions I will forever be glad I seized, When I broke up with you, It hurt, Both of us, But I still maintain it was right, I was not ready to share any word like love with anyone, Not that soon after the girl before you, And that was my fault, I definitely regretted that decision constantly after that, We started hanging out again, I am still mad, That seeing you makes me write such good shit, Mostly about you, Hearts, ventricles, rebellion, You know the deal, I am scared, Because you are so damn wonderful, That we get along this well, Is kind of spooky sometimes, If I was to be serious for a second, I'd tell you how ex...

Walking to the bus stop to meet you, I could only think one thing, This is what breathing feels like, Warm sun on my face, And in my face, All I could do was smile, Even with weirdos on the bus next to me, Even with it being warm and me being sweaty and nervous, Nothing but smiling the whole time, I had been holding my breath all week, I told myself I wouldn't let you leave without kissing you, I went in planning on doing it as soon as I could, Possibly when I met you, But instead of that I waited a bit, And it was still awesome, Just like you, For no fucking reason at all, Except that is was you, And me, Kissing, You smell really good, Even after we ate food, And cooked chili, And sat around in a warm house all day, Holding you, Wow, And walking home from the bus stop, Seeing you off like that, I couldn't do anything but smile, And breathe, Again.

Writing seems stupid right now, I'm preoccupied, About a girl, I can't seem to let go, Right now, Or at all, Ever, Maybe? I don't really know, I know I screwed up, And at the same time, My only fault, Was being excited, I feel stupid, I probably am stupid, But it's the only thing that makes any goddamn sense lately, Which is a lot, And that's stupid too, Since there's practically nothing going on, You still have me cardiac arrested, Playing rebel in my ventricles, Without even trying, I still refuse to apologize for all of, This, You're not fat, You're fucking beautiful, You're crazy, But I obviously like that, You make me feel stupid and nervous, And I probably am more than I am willing to admit, I don't know what to do, My brain won't shut up, My heart won't stop hurting, I wish they'd stop, I wish I could stop, Because at this point, Trying to figure it out, Is confusing, And hurts, Because I can...

She says 'I'm getting fat' I bite back the words, 'I'd still kiss every inch of your body,' And replace them with, 'You may be gaining a little weight but you're still very pretty' She makes me nervous, Still.

Quitting caffiene, Folding my laundry, Cleaning my room, This and many more, Are now the things I will do, Instead of writing my requisite poetry, Maybe, Or I might play more video games.

He can fly around, Pickup anything, Reverse time by running around the planet, And shoot lasers out of his eyes, He should be the coolest guy ever, And lots of people think he is, But there's a problem, Everytime I see him, He's too powerful, He's the reason I don't find gods interesting, Because he isn't, Superman does nothing but catch airplanes all day, And then go on to act like humanity, By bumbling around and acting timid, That's this alien motherfucker's view on humanity, Well I'm sorry that we can't fucking fly, Or be solar powered, Or have arctic breath, Is that shit ever useful? I mostly feel sorry for the guy, He obviously doesn't know who he is, Raised by farmers, He's trying to be a humble earthling, And denying what he is, For all intents and purposes, He is a god, He doesn't act like one, But he is one, I can't figure it out, Why is he so boring? He can do anything, And he spends his time be...

Get yourself some good people, The saddest thing I hear from new people, Is, I don't have any friends, My first thought is, Man, that is rough, And my second is, This is probably bullshit, I have known very few people who have NO friends, That's different from, A few good friends, Or one great friend, You need good people in your life, Because they will help you when you need it, When you're too afraid to ask for it, When you're too weak, They'll help you out without even asking for it, If you don't have any like that, Find some new ones, Everybody needs that one friend, Who knows what to say when, And when not to say anything at all, I can only hope I am as good to my people, As they are to me, I strive to be better, Because that's how I am, But it's not a competition, I'd list some names, But y'all know who you are.