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Drowning is Easy

I didn't realize the assignment, Was to let go, Then I refused it, Like so many assignments before it, I loved you like a panic attack, Gasping for breath, Assuming it was all I had, Not really understanding, I would live through this, I have since survived more panic attacks, Far worse ones than you, But I forgot to throw it all out, Your demands against my person, Lingered, I let them take over the rooms inside my head, Bury their way into my heart, When that isn't even what I wanted, Then, Or now, I'm undoing it, Finally, Opening myself up, With a crowbar, Excavating, Because I nailed it all down so hard, Allowed these expectations to become part of me, Nailed them in right next to the sign, Do Not Enter, That foolish boy, Thought you were the world, Because he hadn't seen anything else, It's been years, Allowing myself so little, Expecting the expectations to be expected, I let you in, Not understanding the rules, Not understanding my own agency, Not understandi
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You Guys Should Have Met Her

We lost her sometime between the first and the fourth, Kaira had her umbilical cord wrapped around her neck, And the doctor's didn't notice it in time, I'm doing my best to re-frame it from how I used to talk about it, It's a hole in my chest, But I am whole, I'm just without a piece of myself, One I'm built to need, People marvel at my ability to adapt, Or maintain my cool in discomfort, Or to completely lose my shit, All three are because I came into this world screaming, Mourning, someone no one else will ever know, I shared the womb with her, Outside of our mother, I was all she ever had, The fucked up thing about that is, She's all I want when I'm alone, Because with her here, Alone, Would never sting the way it does without her, It would never be so final, It would never be so decisive, Alone, I surround myself with the most excellent people I can find,
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This just in...

Fuck you! It's January! Where your insides itch, and it's too cold to run Where you want to cuddle up in some warmth and make yourself feel better, But fuck you, you're not built for that, It doesn't stick, not like it should, I haven't shaved in two weeks and I still don't have a beard, He said, for the rest of forever, There's a mountain of laundry back at my place, But I'm here, Catsitting, for my wonderful ex-neighbors, It's 10:44 PM and I was just reminded that my soul needs scratched, Reminded that I want to find a way to get a q-tip in there, If they're not for your ears they've gotta be for something right? I get told to calm down a lot, I don't really know how, I'm stuck in always on, I'm always performing, I'm always angry, Because I kicked and screamed my way into this place, I kicked, and I screamed, And I never really stopped I'm still screaming, All the time, It's cold out here, and
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Thinking out loud

I don't love like everyone else, I'm not afraid of letting go, I'm not afraid of being alone, I already live with those two every day, I already live without someone I need, I've learned to deal with it, You live with a soreness long enough, Your body gets used to it, It's kind of like that, I've adapted to this, The first few times hurt real bad, Felt like I wouldn't come back, But the echoes of couplings past, Well, those pale to what I've been unpacking, I don't sleep well, I push myself easily, I break myself more than anything else can, I've got too much to do right now, But someday, I'm probably going to choose how I leave, I'd like the punctuation to be on my terms.
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K-A-I-R-A

I'm really unfocused today, Can't keep track of anything, I probably need to eat or something, But that doesn't make it hurt less, That I forgot her name, Kaira, K-A-I-R-A, was written on my arm as soon as I found it, There's a profound disappointment and frustration in myself from this, From forgetting her, I didn't really, but I'm still mad, Mad that I can forget that when it's so important, My mom and I went through the records on our birthday, She and I were close to a pound apart, I'm not sure if that's her umbilical, Cutting off the nutrients for her to grow, Eventually killing her, Or if that's common, Or if anything could have been done, I'm keeping it together lately, At least externally, I'm working hard on lots, Pushing myself in a lot of ways, Changes coming and I want to be prepared, But when I stop, and breathe, It's all raw, and it makes the hole expand, It tries to swallow me, It will eat me some day, I've
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9 Miles

I'm sorry that we had to share those 9 miles, I'm sorry we couldn't talk, That I couldn't listen, I'm only sorry because you were in the back of the ambulance, And I was forced to stare at and into the ambulance, It was a traffic jam, I'm sorry for whatever reason you ended up in there, There's never a good ambulance trip as far as I can tell, You kept staring out the window, I kept trying not to stare at you, Trying not to wonder who you were, Why you were there, And really really hoping I wasn't watching someone expire because of traffic, We were stuck in that jam, Together, With the EMT just trying to do his job next to you, It was weird, Deeply intimate, No context, I'll never see you again, Sharing those moments with you while I was just trying to get home, It put traffic into perspective in a way never thought could happen, I wanted to get home, You wanted to make sure you were okay, Going to be okay, You had a desperation to you that slamm
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Capital M

I don't really believe in capital 'm' Marriage, I don't know how to say that to your face without it seeming personal, It's not, it has way more to do with everyone else and with me, than with us, I haven't met a marriage I trusted or that anyone liked it in the forever way that thing is supposed to be, I don't want to get married, I don't want to cause a divorce, I don't want to figure out who gets what assets, I don't want a longer, more complicated, way more legal version of heartbreak, I don't think anyone should jump into that for a paycheck raise, Or anything stupid and vapid like that, But it's a lot more serious than most people seem to take it at our age, Maybe I'm just not right for it, I don't know where to find the positive in it, Now that doesn't mean it doesn't work for other people, But I've seen it flop too many times to even trust it, There's only one woman I've loved my whol
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